| Today is a lunar eclipse in the sign of Taurus, and while I have relatively little astrological knowledge, I know that this combined with all the hype about the economy is creating fears about resources. You might be asking yourself questions like: “Am I going to have enough?””How do I secure my resources?” “Am I going to have to do things I don’t want to do to make ends meet?” When we’re asking ourselves these kinds of questions and the fear sets in, we stop breathing as deeply and we start moving more quickly. In fear, we synch up and even withhold ourselves from nourishment or satisfaction. And I know these things, because I’ve lived them, time and time again. My Chiron, the “Wounded Healer” in astrology, is in Taurus. So this means that I have gotten up close and personal many times over the course of my life with fears about resources. Because my struggles with resources go hand in hand with my feminine/masculine reclamation journey, I have to reconcile within myself that Chiron shows us that we learn it so that we can teach it. I have learned that our resources, and the way we value them or not, has *everything* to do with feminine & masculine wholeness. And I’m here to share my journey, even the ugly parts of it, because through these aspects have also come tools and clarity that I can share. A STORY ABOUT TEARS IN A DELICIOUS GF BURGER: A few years ago, I was dismantling an aspect of my feminine/masculine journey and I was trying to heal a pattern deep in my psyche related to money. This pattern had to do with my father, who had groomed me to need his financial rescue. In that pattern, my inner feminine often felt very helpless and externalized the masculine safety, structure, and provision onto my father. But, it didn’t feel safe in my feminine system (because it was based in manipulation and depended on my feminine being weak and exploitable to maintain the dynamic). At that time, I was SO determined to break this mental scarcity pattern in me that as I watched my monetary resources cramp up, and while I felt fear, I would not return to the dark masculine for help. I didn’t have everything I thought I needed, and yet, I was also always somehow okay. I was moving money from one account to cover fees coming out of another. I was having conversations with the bank about loan deferment. My water was turned off at times. Etc. For months. But I was walking myself through a certain darkness and would not turn back. I was determined to get free. I was going to free myself of the scarcity game of the dark, manipulative masculine that was making my feminine pretty much seize up in fear, but nothing would have been worse than giving into that very force. When my son was in the house, I made sure the fridge was full and he didn’t know we were financially strapped. I got creative with our activities. We played at the park for free instead of spending money on leisure activities. It was (and still is) just he and I. Then, when my son was with his father, I’d work constantly, worry constantly, try to figure out what was wrong with me that caused things to be like this, self improve perpetually, and I’d often stick a celery stalk in a jar of peanut butter and call it dinner. I didn’t allow myself to have anything extra. I was determined to get it all right and “figure it out.” I wasn’t really thriving. And I wasn’t truly creating. I was working to take care of my feminine’s right to not have to answer to dark masculine, but also, my feminine wasn’t getting everything she needed either. And at that point, in my mind, it was ALL ABOUT THE MONEY, and whether or not I had it. Because I didn’t have much of it, and that’s the measure society uses for worth, I felt unworthy, unsuccessful, unprotected, unloved, and alone. (Yes, all of that and more is tied to money, and to masculine / feminine.) I was neglecting myself and all of the other valuable resources I had but didn’t even realize it yet (more on that in a minute). Then, one day, I was driving home, my son at his dad’s house, and I drove past this burger place that makes deliciously sloppy burgers on gluten free bread, and my mouth started to water. I noticed my stomach was EMPTY but that I was also metaphorically hungry. I don’t know how much money was in my bank account, but I knew the burger would be $13. (Now, an organic gluten free burger is probably going on $17!) I decided to let myself have it. The deliciousness. The protein. The hardiness. The nourishment. I got home, tore open the box, and began to actually DEVOUR the burger. And then I realized…. I am devouring this burger. Holy shit, I have been so damn hungry, down to my core. Holy holy shit, I’m not actually nourishing myself because of my fear. And then, my mouth still full, I started to cry. I cried into the to-go box, my hand slowly sitting down the burger. I cried because of what I had not allowed myself. I cried because I had kept myself cut off from nourishment because I was trying so hard to heal my inner feminine’s relationship to the masculine. I cried because I realized how my fear of what might be taken from me was contributing toward my own impoverishment in so many other ways. I was hungry for more than a burger. I was hungry for LIFE. I was hungry to HAVE. I’ll never forget that moment. It was pivotal for me. I would begin to take care of my inner feminine differently from that point forward. I wish I could say that that was the last time I felt a financial pinch, but it wasn’t. But what started to happen after that was that I began to look at RESOURCES of the feminine very differently. Not just as something that could be taken, or that I had to defend. I don’t really get fearful much anymore, but I sometimes do experience fear. I also know that fear feeds that which seeks to control our energy and our resources, and the MOST EMPOWERING THING THE FEMININE CAN DO is to get free of that invisible grasp. THE VALUE OF YOUR INTERNAL RESOURCES: In those days, my resources were defined by my money. I thought that money defined: My value What I was worthy of My success How good I could feel What I could have access to After that, I was guided to discover a MUCH broader definition of resources, and this has changed my life. We have internal resources, and then we have external resources. When I was so deeply hungry for the metaphorical nourishment, I was only thinking about the external resource of money and neglecting my internal resources. But it was my internal resources that would nourish and carry me. A woman’s internal resources are THE MOST VALUABLE and, AND, the ones we are programmed to give away for free. Our life force Our time Our attention Our intuition / emotions / inner knowing Our bodies / sex You betcha that at that time I was crying into my burger, I was also making poor relationship choices with men who did not value me and giving away my time and insights in the hopes that they would become my clients or I’d secure income. When the world is benefitting from a woman giving away her most valuable resources and life force energy, no one is inclined to say, “Oh, here, let me pay you more.” So in giving away your life force energy for free, you are further depleting your own resources. I could go on about this ALL day. In fact, I know that Mr. Chiron is always reminding me that this **IS** my work to bring forward on the planet, which I do in multiple ways. The next opportunity to work with me to increase the value of your inherent resources, in you & for you, and to become NOURISHED by the life you choose to live, is with Structure & Flow. Structure & Flow is a combination of +90 day workbook / planner system (It came to me in 2020 and has been SO impactful in my life and that of dozens of other women) +Private Women’s community with genuine relationship building +Weekly live coaching calls with me +Online videos/tutorials on many topics including: boundaries, feminine/masculine integration, daily routines, and more +NEW!! This year I will be adding content on feminine creativity as the antidote to productivity You are so much more than the external resources you accumulate. Everything changes when you know the value of your internal resources first. When you know the value of your resources, you stop giving them away, and resources begin attracting to you. I will say that I am healthier, more nourished, more satisfied, more loving now than ever before. My son keeps asking me “What are you on!?” because I’m so joyful. (True story.) If I had kept in the trajectory of “just make money no matter what,” well, many parts of my feminine essence would have remained enslaved. Ready to get free? Ready to nourish yourself? Ready to stop giving your resources away?? |
 “I signed up for S&F because I needed to integrate internal systems of structure into my life during what was an unsteady time. I was definitely someone who preferred to flow and I needed more structure.Simply putting my attention on how I use my resources, combined with your insight (Sarah), has been very powerful. During this program, I stopped wasting so much time and energy being so fluid. I am learning how I’ve given myself away. I broke up with my partner and our unhealthy dynamics and I established my own living residence, fully moving out of his place, which feels really big! I find now that I like my feminine flow, and I like to let this inner feminine lead me, but now I also have the inner masculine to step in when needed to provide support, structure, and decisive action. I would totally recommend Structure & Flow to women who are not aware of where their resources are going.” – T.B. |
