I turn 41 tomorrow. I wasn’t going to celebrate it because I’ve judged myself that I’m not thriving in all areas of my life like I want to be. And then, throughout this week I turned to a “look how far I’ve come” perspective and slipped it to a friend that Thursday is my birthday. He’s volunteered to bake me a cake.
I was nervous to request of him that it be gluten free. A man, baking me a cake that was his mother’s recipe. Such a beautiful gesture. Should I have asked for gluten free flour? My son said I was ridiculous, of course I could ask for gluten free flour.
I’m not the best at asking, or receiving, at 41 and a single parent where I have to embody both feminine and masculine throughout the day. I’ve been pretty adept in my life at working my ass off, but I’ve been pretty clear for a while now that that is not what I’m put on this earth to do. I’m realizing all of these new and innovative teachings about women, sustainability in our energy, and the need to move from depletion to regeneration, and yet, I think I spent my 40th year washing old patterns of depletion out of my own system.
I can’t say I’ve mastered replenishment. But I long to. For that, I’ll have to begin opening more to receive. I’ll start, this year, with the cake.
I recently had a very authentic realization about my own heart. In the teachings I mentioned above, that I’ve been calling the Heartland teachings for over a year – a title that I didn’t even come up with but also something I sort of downloaded from God or wherever that wisdom comes from – we talk about Heart’s Desires.
The Heart’s Desires are a very important part of women’s prosperity. We’ve hustled for so long and for so many ways to get our needs met, to ensure our children’s needs are met, to bring our creations to life, and to maybe be loved so damn good by a man if we’re lucky, that we forget how to truly desire.
Women who have been through it – we forget how to want. I know some of you feel me.
And if we forget how to want, then we forget how to receive, and we default to working our asses off.
And so a big “hell yes” to the necessity of the revival of the Heart’s Desire.
I went to a John Wineland workshop on desire in February and I thought I’d found it. I hit something vulnerable, anyway. I landed on my deep desire being that I “wanted to be fully claimed.” By a man, that is. That’s what my heart came up with that day. But it didn’t really stick. Was it inaccurate? Was that not it?
I forgot about it and went on contemplating the Heartland and the new ways for women to experience thriving life, replenishment, and prosperity without working our asses off. Or, if we’re going to work that hard, may we at least be compensated regeneratively for it. (New ways – that’s my point.)
And then, last Sunday, my heart cracked open even more, tenderly and authentically, and I spent some solo time asking it what it wanted. And the answer that I found, I believe, was the truth.
My heart wants to be devotional. It longs to be devotional. My heart longs to love.
After all the times I’ve loved and lost, after all the offers of love I’ve made that weren’t received, I came to critique my own loving. I came to see my heart as something that others would step on, and maybe I gave it less. My relationship to my desire dwindled with each loss.
A hardened heart of a woman is a fucking tragedy. I don’t know that mine hardened, exactly, it was more “worn down.”
So I spent the last year+ tending to my heart. And honestly, I love my heart. I love the way I love. I love the love I have to give. It feels immense, and the sadness that I feel when the clients don’t come in like I’d like, or the money doesn’t replenish, or the right relationship hasn’t arrived – it’s not about greed or dissatisfaction as I’ve judged and self-evaluated the fuck out of myself trying to figure it out over the years. It’s a sadness because my heart wants to be devotional. It wants a place to put its natural feminine devotion.
My heart’s desire is to be devotional.
That feels so beautiful to me.
I’m writing this on the last night of my 40th year, and it feels like I’ve hit the good and true desire of my heart. I’ve arrived in a place I actually really like.
I’ve been taking a Gene Keys course called The Pearl about prosperity based on my specific genetic makeup. I’m a bit behind in the course and I want to finish it, so I just sat down today to do so.
The last six weeks were honestly hard and gritty as I had turned back toward the liberation of a particular silence that I didn’t realize had been plaguing my life. I liberated the silence for someone else’s benefit – devotionally – not for my own benefit. But what I found was that my voice releasing that story and the silence that I’d held also released a ton of energy that I didn’t know was pent up. I lost track of the Gene Keys course during this time. My money froze up because of the fear that telling the story evoked (an old and subconscious fear related to the masculine – I’ve written this month on my blog about the “masculine template” we orient toward and how it affects us). And when I went back to the course, I realized that what the Gene Keys group had been studying during that time was the body center of the voice. I had been liberating my voice, not knowing that my process was right in line with the group alchemy. Beautiful how that happens.
As I lean into how my Gene Keys want me to use my voice for my “Brand” – my life’s work – I discover that I am a Line 4 and the expression wants to be told through the heart.
The heart. Surprise surprise.
I’ve used my voice in so many ways over the years of building my business and navigating relationships. I’ve defended, I’ve critiqued, I’ve cut down. I’ve analyzed (especially men), I’ve schooled. Over time I withheld my heart and spoke with my head. Clearly, I’ve made mistakes.
I love turning 41 and realizing that all of that time is over. It has been over for some time, but today I just get to recognize it in that reflective way of birthdays.
I miss my voice being so obviously, publicly, consistently connected to the heart.
And I’m reminded that the name of my soul (my legal name as of 2019) is Poet. A mystic, naturally. A truth seeker and teller. The name, I always knew, would reveal its secrets to me over time, like it is now. The Gene Keys says I am to communicate a “higher ideal of love” and “within the context of a greater longing.” It says I am “here to put the heart back in business.” That sounds like the job of a Poet to me, to be connected to the devotion of the heart.
Isn’t all of that so very interesting since at this exact time, the Heartland teachings came back to me and said, “It’s time, again, to offer this.” A journey into the Heart and THAT is where we find replenishment.
Sometimes I judge myself that I don’t have these prosperity principles mastered yet and therefore should just go home. I should just get a job, something predictable, and stop taking so much risk. I am a single mother, after all. But that’s when my heart speaks.
And it says, “You know this is yours to do. You know you won’t be let down. You know you love to offer these transmissions. You know you won’t get a job. Dream bigger now.”
And I say to it, “Yes, but what if no one comes? What if no one can hear me? What if I’m not getting it right? What if the money dries up for good this time? What if I don’t fulfill my mission?”
And the heart replies, “Those are the words of fear. Of scarcity and perceived aloneness – the exact things you’re teaching about. Go to the Heartland energy. Breathe there. Bring it forward. The only mission is love.”
And so I get to practice devotion. Which, in this moment, feels so beautiful and so lucky.
I get to practice devotion.
To my work.
To the true sustainability, replenishment, and prosperity of the feminine.
To love itself, to my child, to being an author.
From here, I can remember desire, service, and potential.
From here, I can receive and relate. I’ll begin with the cake coming my way.
Hello 41 year old Self. I actually like you better than ever. I even love you, even you, devotionally.
If you’d like to give for my gifts of writing and service, for my birthday, because you love me, or because you believe in the replenishment of women doing the work of their hearts, I will tell you that I would like to receive.
You can venmo @embodiedbreath or paypalme/sarahpoet5555 gifts of currency.
With every gift, I will receive it into my being, and I will amplify it back out in the name of regenerative prosperity to everyone in this community.
Thank you for being you, and for reading.
I’ll be back with more, from the heart.