Have you ever felt that pressure to get it together when you’ve come undone? Have you felt the pressure to not be a mess when you just are?
Or how about the pressure to go out and make money when really, you’re just not okay on the inside and you need time to heal?
Where does this pressure come from? As I ponder it, it’s so bonkers (I love that word.)
It’s bonkers because it’s the pace of the outer world, the world that humans have created that goes oh-so-fast, that doesn’t let you take a dang minute when you really need one. Which is traumatizing in and of itself.
Last year, I took time to heal. It wasn’t productive, or lucrative, or super clean. It was caterpillar-turn-to-mush messy. I didn’t know what the result would be. I took time to get off the high-speed train of life (which for me, included a lot of old patterns of hyperarousal and fight/flight even as someone who “understood” this) and to heal something deep within me.
What was I healing? Well, I’ll tell you, at the risk that you’ll stop reading right here. But that’s the risk, isn’t it? Can we be with what is real in order to truly acknowledge and heal it? I was healing a mixture of deep loneliness and finding my personal lovability. It was triggered when, after I’d been so diligent about healing my sexual abuse trauma for so long, I experienced family rejection and a breakup that triggered the old sexual trauma all at the same time. I was also taking care of myself after finding out huge interdimensional intel on soul-level attacks I’d endured throughout my life. Someone recently called this Complex Sexual Trauma (like, including the invisible multidimensional f*ckery). Well, I’ve had it, and it became too much for this female-bodied light worker on a mission to handle for a while.
Also, I needed to go through this to help other women heal in the ways few are talking about. I was walking an embodied piece of Heartland alchemy.
And it’s been about a year of going down and through this in order to come out the other side. That’s the slowest, sweetest healing I’ve ever done. I know the rest of my life will be so much better for it. And I know that it has changed the way I show up for myself, and embodied a new softness now within me.
We like to throw around concepts like, “The feminine should be soft and receptive.” Well, in this world, that takes a lot of actual healing in order to happen, not pressure.
This week I was thinking about the gift of giving yourself time for healing, and I put this message on social media – It’s okay to heal slowly, and if you’re healing slowly, it probably means you’re actually healing. Apparently others needed to hear it too, and I really respect that we can openly say this now. Many expressed gratitude for the message.
We are humans that have endured quite a bit of separation – I call these various events and societal circumstances “traumas of separation.” These traumas hurt the heart, they are held in the body, the soma, and they need to be met with tenderness and love.
I’ve also been thinking about how sometimes I find myself judging the word “healing.” So I bet I’m not the only one who does that, too. Like “healing” isn’t as “woke” as “ascending” or something. So funny.
I’ve always been this edge-walker who doesn’t really fit into boxes, and I’ve been this spiritual “coach” who is also really willing to acknowledge trauma as a part of the spiritual path. Healing trauma is a part of the spiritual path. How could it not be? You have to un-burden the effects of trauma to realize your God-nature. Anything else is bypassing and glossing over what’s hard, in my opinion.
If trauma lives in the body, and it does, and we are spiritual beings in bodies, then how in the world are you going to deny an embodied trauma or stuck energy and just say, “Spritually, I’m great!” This is cutting the body, the feminine, off from the head, the masculine, and I’ve just never been game for participating in that.
And so, healing is spiritual and not at all shameful. Also, if you are a womb-holder on this planet, you have likely experienced trauma, and we need to be talking more about those invisible assaults on the womb because this is what is keeping women impoverished.
But literally, I’ve been interviewed on spiritual podcasts and because I talked about healing sexual trauma, the podcast was given a trigger warning.
I don’t want to be a walking trigger warning at all, but I want to acknowledge what others may want to avoid, because I know the time and toll that these issues have taken on my life.
The complexities that we have endured need time and space to heal, which is alchemy. True healing is alchemy. And by “taking time to heal” by no means do I mean “sitting around while I hope things heal.” Healing is active, too. It is diligent self care, it is energy clearing, learning about what’s really been going on, it is physical care, it is seeking support. It is being committed to healing the trauma truly, through and through, not identifying as a victim and staying in the trauma.
This last year was truly a daily devotional practice to my true essence and to deep self-love. That’s it. So every day, that looked like doing my kundalini yoga, being on my Sacred Remembering path, taking the actions I heard Spirit tell me to take, keeping the faith, sleeping well, eating right, on and on, even when I did not know if that would be how I felt every day for the rest of my life.
I’ve been in dark nights of the soul before, sort of slashing my way through the dark. But this was tender, like walking myself forward by candlelight and love.
That devotion, gratefully, is bringing me through the “up and out” of this process. I can’t say it’s over, nor maybe ever, since I’m always willing to do the good work of transformation.
For the past three years, I’ve offered Heartland every spring. But this year, spring came, and the energy wasn’t right because of where I was personally. I resisted and thought, “No! It’s always a spring 8 week event!” But that wasn’t happening.
Also for about a year now, I’ve wanted to offer Heartland as an 8 MONTH experience. Heartland has 8 topics or components. And Heartland is about a New Earth experience of the feminine where we get to heal the ley lines of our lives in tandem with the Earth, heal our bodies and wombs of these traumas, and it has “code” for what life beyond the patriarchal traumas of separation feels like. So, in 8 weeks, you get the code. The activation.
But in 8 months, we can go slowly. We can heal, experience authentic transformation, and feel it down to our cells and bones, down to the way our feet touch this Earth.
I am so, so grateful (tears actually welling in my eyes in this moment) to be here. Exactly here, with you, now. At this time on Earth, in our need for deep healing, in the amazing capacity for true and authentic transformation. The Heaven On Earth level embodiment.
This year, we alchemize. We step into the Heartland for 8 full months and allow it to work us slowly, easefully, truly. And, we will emerge in the Spring!
Beloveds, thank you for being the ones who open these emails, read to the end, and allow me to show up authentically as an imperfect woman with a big heart and true gifts. I want to do more to help us re-write our expectations of women, healing, performance culture, and what it looks like for us to stand in our truth. I try to model it and I will be doing that more and more as my desire to write returns.
Thank you for your patience as Heartland prepared me for the beautiful journey that a group of us is about to take. Yes, it is a healing journey, and yes, it is also woke AF. 😉
You can now learn more about this 8-month journey into the Heartland here: https://www.sarahpoet.com/heartland