Opening the Heart

When there has been trauma in the body, what does it look like to begin to truly trust the opening and guidance of the heart?

We have so many reasons to close. To protect our hearts. It’s tragic, really, all the excuses we could have for self protection. 

I’ve had plenty. 

And I’m happy to say, they are being challenged at the next level as I’m being invited to open in places that I maybe didn’t know I was closed. 

I recently found myself in a situation with a man where I did not expect there to be attraction. We’d gotten together as friends and colleagues and then, on this particular day, as he said later, as I’d opened the door and he found me to be “radiant.” 

Radiant. What an “open” expression. I am quite sure that that is the first time a man has ever called me radiant, which is such a beautiful compliment. More than a compliment, it’s an affirmation that as I have been doing the good work of tending to this feminine essence, it is reflecting outward. 

The thing was, however, I felt quite tired on that particular day. I’d had a really deep session with a practitioner the day before, and perhaps I’d describe myself as tender. I wasn’t sad or armored or anything like that. I was just integrating some information that was making me a little tender. So perhaps I was even more unguarded than usual. 

I’ve done a lot of work on my body and the traumas it had endured, and I’ve done a lot of work on my heart to unguard it. I think the feminine heart could be at any given point tender, or elated, or somehow otherwise feeling deeply. If we’re not guarding our hearts, then it will be feeling something, because that’s what it does. 

And so I’ve been contemplating this thing of opening. There’s always the interesting thing we do as humans where we ask, “What am I opening to?” and then we decide if we can open to meet that external thing – whether it be an offer, an agreement, a man’s invitation, etc. But that’s not what I’m talking about. I immediately noticed that the external situation was not my first reference point. For decades in my life it had been. “What is the man doing? What is the man feeling? What is the man offering and am I open to it?” But this was entirely different. 

My reference point was entirely internal. I was pacing with my nervous system. “Is my body opening toward this idea, or closing?” Did I feel the familiar old closure of guardedness, and if so, what did the body need? I was tracking my opening and closing. Anyone with previous trauma related to men knows what I’m talking about – the familiar guards come up as we feel things out. There were plenty of times in the past when my body gave me “Closure! Constriction! Do not proceed!” warning signs that I did not head, which lead to more of my own depletion later. I was noticing this time that it was just natural to stay attuned to myself first – I was going to follow my body’s lead. 

“No moving forward, on any given day, without openness in the body.” 

That’s progress. For any woman. High fives all around when we’re listening to the body. 

However. 

I realized something major. When I was tracking my body’s contraction or expansion, I was essentially tracking the nervous system. I was tracking whether or not the nervous system felt safety or fear. And in doing so, I was not attuning to whether or not my heart was opening and what my heart’s truth was. 

This is really important, because given the way trauma works, we could be experiencing somatic symptoms of a past trauma in a very safe present-day situation. And if we’re only attuning to that and forgetting the heart, then we’ll make it about the past, the trauma, and the nervous system. The attunement to the body is amazing, but then, there is the next-level attunement to the heart.

Beyond previous experiences of depletion or hurt, beyond how the body holds trauma patterns of constriction, there was a new invitation to notice and expand into. “Does the heart want to open? Is the heart opening?” 

I’ve been traveling with the real-life sequence of the teachings I call Heartland now for over a year, but when I felt Spirit nudge me in February to open them back up in in April, I was immediately inside of a next-level learning about the heart. I was back inside the “initiation” of learning these deep transformations to leave more and more layers of feminine depletion, guardedness, and old story behind, and to come into feminine replenishment, the heart, and the experience of the spark of creation. 

In Heartland, we journey to a place of prosperity in the Heart. Not just money and wealth, but true, soul-aligned, heart-opening, blissful, no longer afraid, understanding the creation energy of the cosmos HEART. 

There are eight areas of the Heartland teachings, like a sequence. I had told this man, when sharing about Heartland, that I felt that I was somehow in stage seven of eight. I had conceptualized what stage eight might look like, but was still stretching into it as a woman. Well, you can’t stretch into the Heart of the Heartland until you’re really, truly, willing to move beyond the stories of depletion, fear, the times things were taken from you in the past… the traumas we’ve held in the body, and all the reasons to close the heart. 

And then I saw myself doing it – tracking the sensations of the familiar fear responses in my body (which again, it is really important not to override those sensations) instead of tracking the radiance of my own heart. 

And I think that’s a big part of the leap. Tracking expansion just as much as we’re tracking constriction. Tracking the heart just as much as we’re tracking the nervous system. 

I am not the woman that previously attracted men who were willing to take my life force energy from me. But sometimes something in me forgets and still thinks that I am her, and then my nervous system has a closure response. 

I am instead the woman who has worked on the radiance and prosperity of my own heart. I am the woman who has honored the journey of this body and soul. I am the woman who will decide how to proceed, and I am the woman who is choosing to stand now fully in the New. And the New is the land of the Heart. The place of internal and eternal prosperity. The place beyond taking, where we remember the stories of depletion as a distant memory we have overcome, but where now, we radiate. We shine. We shine our diamond, crystalline hearts, and as we are, good men like this one will not help but to be magnetized and awed by it, and because we are ready, the feminine can now open even deeper. 

First open the body, as the body is ready. Then, open the heart. This is the place where the cosmos will join you in the dance of creation. This is the true Heartland, accessible beyond separation, closure, and fear. This is the place your soul deserves to reside.

Stop letting men deplete you.

the woman who has something they want. Some men will uplift women and their missions. Let’s talk about the difference.

Some men will subconsciously tear down the woman who has something they want. Some men will uplift women and their missions.

Let’s talk about the difference.

A man who wants something from a woman that he’s not getting may act in the following ways:

  • insatiable desire for her body, her energy
  • tearing her down when he sees her succeeding
  • feeling very lofty for his minor financial success, feels inflated when giving to a woman
  • desires to have a lot of conversations of big ideas, but does little with them and does not have a command of his own money or make those things happen

At the root of any of this behavior is a dis-integration of the Mother in the man.

A man needs to acknowledge his insatiable thirst for Her (mother, feminine, woman) and reconcile this within himself.

When he does, he will be IN SERVICE TO a woman, her mission, her success. He will ask how he can help. He will refer her services to others, he will put her in front of his people. He will invest his energy and money into her.

Because he has no problem uplifting and sharing the wisdom of the Holy Feminine for all eyes to see.

Women, my guess is that you have a lot of experience with men who do NOT understand this yet.

My guess is also that you have a lingering imprint of depletion as a result of this.

Maybe you’re married to a good man who can’t get enough of you… but it wears you down for some reason.

Maybe you enter into relationships and receive big promises from men, rearranging your life accordingly, to find he can’t keep it and then you feel depleted.

Or you spend a lot of time with male friends who talk about deep and spiritual stuff but then you realize that this time investment hasn’t actually made you more resourceful.

Maybe you have no idea what it feels like to be uplifted by a man who doesn’t want to consume you.

In that case, my love, Heartland is for you. You can take this as a live course, offered once a year, or schedule a consultation with me about doing this in private mentorship.

Heartland is about creating regenerative energetics in our systems as women so that we are no longer in depletion – and has NOTHING to do with men.

Why are women in depletion? Because we’ve operated with distortions around what masculine & feminine really are in this silly gender construct – and we’ve given and given to men, to families, to society, to workplaces…. forever.

Women are collectively depleted.

When women are replenished, we change the entire energetics of the operating system of the planet. (Starting with your world first.)

It’s a bigger educational piece that I’m happy to get into, but my love, let me ask you this – did you relate to what I was saying here? The amazing thing is, too, that when we say “no more” to depletion and clear these lower-masculine behaviors from our lives, and/or correct the energetic template ourselves, the men who show up in our lives are the ones who have done the work with the Holy Mother and are now prepared to support you as well.

What a welcome change, right??

Change the energetics from depletion to regeneration in YOU, now. Heartland will take you there.

Emotional labor never motivated any man to change.

conscious, and yet, that actually gives energy toward a “fallen masculine.” He doesn’t have to be stronger if you’re giving him your energy as is.

I learned about the term “emotional labor” a few years ago, but I don’t think I authentically understood it until I studied the energetics of it in my own life.

The extent to which this is an issue in our culture continues to astound me.

I’m kind of all about energetic sovereignty, my own path of masculine / feminine union, wholeness, and energy optimization. I have this whole planner system about women’s time and energy optimization and I use it daily to track where my energy goes. (It’s called Structure & Flow and you can learn more here, but then come back so you don’t miss this key info.)

I know where my time goes. I know where my life force goes. I know how I optimize my energy with superfoods and energy practices, meditation and time allocation. And I know I do not choose to give away or waste my time, which I used to do a lot. In correlation to giving away my time and energy, I wasn’t thriving.

A woman’s greatest resources are her inherent resources – her life force energy, time, attention, mental and emotional capacity, and her body… you know, everything the patriarchy took for granted or expected she give away.

You see, the world is *used to* expecting a woman’s energy, and I’m going to make a generalization here, that men are used to asking for, even demanding, women’s energy and receiving it. It’s historic, habitual, and mostly unconscious.

But we know women are used to over-giving. And conversely, men are used to expecting a woman to continue to give. I invite you to be aware of this in your life and see what you notice. Where do you give your energy because it’s expected, but it doesn’t actually feel good to you? Maybe it’s sex, or picking up the phone when your brother is in crisis, or wanting your husband to be more emotionally aware.

This week alone, I encountered this twice, where men were wanting my emotional energy instead of going deep into their own process, which is what I call emotional labor. Twice this week! And I don’t even have a lot of active male social relationships anymore because I’m so aware of where my energy goes and I’ve stopped investing my time and efforts into elevating masculine consciousness. It’s not mine to do.

I actually had super messy energetics with men for a long time that looked really conscious in disguise. I would invest a lot of time and energy (two of my greatest resources) toward helping male friends and even acquaintances elevate their consciousness. In 2018, I invested time and wisdom writing articles for a men’s group, never getting paid, until I realized that I was only outputting energy and there wasn’t reciprocation or even deep appreciation. I have historically championed men and masculinity so much that I was sometimes investing more energy into motivating men than men were investing in themselves. (Okay, this happened a lot.)

Why would I do this? Well, it’s the same reason we all do it.

We’re hoping, as women, that if we put our energy into men, that men will elevate. We love them and we’re hoping that they’ll be motivated into their masculinity if we put energy into leading him there. We hope that they will see their potential, take us deeper, be able to lead us.

But this never works. Doing this emotional labor for a man actually never works to elevate the man – which is our heart’s hope and intention.

Now that I understand energy, conscious feminine & masculine, and sovereign energetics much more deeply, I can see that a woman investing her energy into a man who is emotionally collapsed, or doing what’s called “emotionally laboring” for a man, actually never motivates him.

If a man is “collapsed,” or isn’t realizing an aspect of his personal power, consciousness, or masculinity, and he looks to a woman to assuage his feelings, and she gives it, this is called emotional labor. Or, if you care more than your man cares. Or, if you’re giving energy, feeling depleted, and not getting anything in return. The historic and perpetual depletion in women is often caused by emotional labor. You’re giving your energy, time, and valuable resources in a way where you’re trying to do his emotional or evolutionary work for him.

Back to why this never works.

A man who is asking for this kind of energy from a woman almost always has an active mother wound (I can’t think of another reason why he’d do this). He yearns for access to the deep energetics of the sacred feminine, and the Mother of creation. It’s his work to do to find this relationship with the divine, and when he does, his masculinity will elevate in the presence of that relationship. A man with an integrated relationship to the Divine Feminine or Holy Mother will not need a woman to emotionally labor for him. Because he’s met by the eternal feminine.

But most men don’t yet know this. And leading a man to this place is really never a woman’s to do. Actually her refusal to try to get him to go there potentially his greatest motivator to actually to there.

So what does a woman do to stop emotionally laboring?

  1. She needs to stop giving him the energy of the mother, the metaphorical “mother’s breast” of nurturance, and the emotional energy.
  2. She needs to be aware of where her time & energy go, track it, and value it more. A modern woman serious about her evolution doesn’t have time to waste on trying to convince a man of anything.
  3. She needs to expand her relationship with the divine masculine, the eternal masculine, the Holy Father. (This is big work and requires great devotion.)
  4. When she has this energy integrated, she’ll be running the masculine current through her body and energy system. She will feel much more whole and complete in herself and through her relationship to the divine. This is where it gets juicy, because this is where she actually starts to *activate the man.*
  5. When a woman is in sovereign energetics (all of the above), she doesn’t need to ask a man to be anything for her, or do anything for her. She’s cleaned up her own distortions of what she needs from men, and she’s essentially good to go. So with this amazing integration in her system, she can hold a new energetic and invite him to participate in relating differently. If she is not speaking to the collapsed places in him, he will notice that she is no longer giving that her effort. When she does this consciousness work, he will automatically begin to activate and elevate. He will notice what she positively responds to, and this is enough that he will begin to change his behavior. This is the law of energetics and it must happen.

You don’t have to do anything *for* a man to get him to change. You have to follow your path, and he will naturally activate. Or, he won’t, and then you will move on.

Women have been orienting toward men and asking men to become more conscious, and yet, that actually gives energy toward a “fallen masculine.” He doesn’t have to be stronger if you’re giving him your energy as is.

I was recently explaining this to a client, and she said, “Oh no! The women have to activate the men?!” She was essentially saying, “We have to do more emotional labor?!”

I said, “No, actually, this is far less work. This is hands off. This is cultivating your evolution and sovereign energy, giving his distortion less or no attention whatsoever, and then watching for how he starts to notice and activate into an energetic match to you. Then give him attention when you see more of what you know he’s capable of. Less attention and emotional labor for the collapsed energy, and all of the natural attraction and affirmation when you see him naturally activating.”

So actually being more sovereign in your energy, and activating him in this new way, is *less work* than emotional laboring ever was.

With much, much greater results.

There are two ways to learn more about this & receive my direct support:

  1. Private mentorships for high-powered, conscious women.
  2. Conscious Couples Coaching for the two of you together.

Conscious Love Relationships

A couple came to me a few months ago wanting to take their relationship through a repeating, trauma pattern to conscious love.

A couple came to me a few months ago wanting to take their relationship through a repeating, traumatized pattern to conscious love.

I love this goal of conscious love. I asked them what conscious love meant to them. And, what we found was that while they wanted it, it was difficult for them to explain it, or even know what to ask for.

“Maybe we’ll know it when we get there…?”

When you’re in the repeating, looping patterns inside of a relationship, you don’t quite see how to get out of them. You don’t quite see how to make the unconscious conscious, which is what needs to happen.

Hint: it’s usually not about the communication.

How couples typically try to go through these trauma-looping patterns is to talk about it, to rationalize it, in endless, long, laborious, not-fun conversations. But the material isn’t rational, that’s why you’re stuck. And that’s why the conversations aren’t moving the dial on the actual issue.

The stuff of what keeps a relationship looping is the stuff of the deep subconscious. What you’ve wanted from love in the past but didn’t get. Or how you say you want love, but you stay self-protected and avoiding depth. These are just two examples.

But there is actually massive opportunity in these exact places of confusion – inside the blind spots. And you may think me some kind of freak that I get excited about the opportunity inside of chaos, but as a conscious couples coach, I do get very excited about this. Being willing to go there is a significant aspect of conscious love. And, the exact place that is driving you crazy in your relationship has the capacity not only to reveal the deepest truth about each of you, but also to actually help you discover conscious love.

If a couple chooses to walk to move through a deeply stuck situation, through exactly the places that they want to avoid, blame, rationalize, or run away, and if they can stay with the triggers and learn to presence with one another, they will find that they are actually learning conscious love.

It starts with developing abiding presence.

When I work with a couple, I teach them how to presence with one another – how to notice the contraction or expansion in their bodies, how to notice their breath, how to honor the truth of the moment for themselves and not get lost to their partner or pressure.

I teach couples how to stay conscious in the moment, so that their relationship can become a conscious relationship longterm.

Conscious love sounds like an amazing idea but it may also sound pressuring to some. It doesn’t require a lot of spiritual knowledge or the transcendence of all of your flaws, as the words may imply.

What actually is required is the willingness to stick with even a difficult moment, to learn about yourselves, and to be with what is, in any given moment. If you are willing to do these things, you can have a conscious relationship that evolves over time. You can have a relationship that takes you deeper into connection and intimacy in the body and beyond.

Anyone can have a conscious love relationship. It just requires the adjustment of some skills.

You will discover and define what Conscious Love means to you in your relationship – once you can see the possibility.

For the couple I mentioned, their definition evolved to include the following: full acceptance of the other without judgement, active masculine feminine polarity, breathing together regularly, learning from one another, trusting one another fully and trusting the divine more, surrender, conscious love making and intimacy, greater connection, authentic desire, and more.

I take couples through the stuck point of habitual trauma and into established, conscious love. Learn more and schedule a consultation at www.sarahpoet.com/consciousrelating.

How Is Trauma-Informed Couples Coaching Different Than Couples Therapy?

Trauma blocks a relationship from true connection. Trauma-informed couples coaching gets below the story to heal the pattern and allow for true intimacy.

While I can’t answer this question broadly or speak for everyone, I can speak to some ways that my couples coaching, which is trauma-informed, is different than couples therapy that I’ve experienced and as I’ve researched. Of course, those who wish to will find exceptions to what I’m saying. Those who wish to look for solutions will read this information as innovation and ask questions. 

It is important to understand that talking about problems, as in conventional therapy, doesn’t necessarily heal problems. People go to therapy to heal problems, but talk alone won’t do that. 

With every relationship problem, there is an underlying trauma. This traumatic event could be conscious or unconscious, it could have to do with the previous partner or parent and therefore not get talked about in couples therapy between two partners. And what we know about trauma is that it is very frequently trapped in the body memory but not in the cognitive memory. Therefore, couples can have and express behaviors that are rooted in traumatic memory, but couples therapy that only involves mental processes might not ever reach the true issue and will certainly be less likely to heal the actual trauma. 

Often in troubled relationships, couples wait until there is a serious problem before engaging with a therapist. By this time, the couple has often erected a wall between their connection, and while talking through a problem or developing communication skills might help to increase understanding, will not fix a true pattern of disruption, because you need to heal the disruption in the brain in order to connect. 

Patterns in the relationship that are dysfunctional result in breaches in connection. What every individual wants, unless they are sociopathic, is connection. Even neurodiverse individuals want connection, despite common social myths. 

Connection can not be healed unless we heal the trauma in the brain. As Dr. Stephen Porges, author of the Polyvagal Theory says, “Trauma compromises our ability to engage with others by replacing patterns of connection with patterns of protection.” 

In trauma-informed couples coaching, I guide couples to involve aspects of trauma healing modalities in how I coach their connection. Rather than attempting to pick apart with conversation what happened in the past and who may be at fault, we look at the present moment, using mindful attunement and noticing, and I teach couples to develop practices that heal breeches in connection. 

The walls naturally begin to crumble. The blame unnecessary. Couples orient toward solution-finding. 

Did you ever hear couples say that one or the other of them “won” therapy? It is common, I found in my research, that couples often feel that there is more blame and sidedness after therapy sessions than there is connection. 

Many couples who go to therapy looking for true healing do not understand the role of relational trauma, epigenetic trauma (trauma passed through the DNA), and how trauma is actually creating their disconnection. Many couples would also prefer to work in a present moment / forward facing modality rather than a conversational modality that focuses on the past. 

Couples Coaching removes the sigma that “something is wrong” with the relationship by inviting both partners into a growth-focused program, where both partners are learning the same skills, both partners are evolving in compassion and understanding, and both are getting their needs met. 

Statistically, about 40% of couples who go to traditional therapy end up divorcing within four years. The results of my coaching are most often greater connection, greater empathy and understanding (despite we talk less about understanding the past), greater intimacy and bonding, and a rekindled enthusiasm for the direction of their union. As one recent couple said, “Honestly, before this, we were going down the road of divorce. Our communication didn’t exist and we fought daily. Now, we are mindful of one another. We have a whole new way to communicate and connect with one another.” This couple is planning to spend the rest of their lives together. 

I will not tell you that Couples Coaching is better for you than therapy – that is for you to decide. I am saying that there is a conscious, progressive, effective alternative out there that is growth-based and available to you. I am seeing this methodology heal relationships, and I want that for you if you are in a relationship that needs a serious boost. In twelve weeks, you can change the trajectory of your relationship. 

Visit www.sarahpoet.com/consciousrelating for more information.