Relationships - Sarah Poet

The “other” dominator.

What is that invisible force that takes and depletes feminine life force? When it comes through men, it can be a dominator masculine, or something else, a bit harder to detect but familiar nonetheless.

We are in a time of trying to figure out what healthy feminine and masculine energies look like, what dominator culture is and is not, and how to heal the rift between men and women.

Well, at least I hope we’re trying to heal. I do believe that we can absolutely rehabilitate and heal our human family and the spaces between men and women, and by writing things so plainly as I am here, my intention is to provide understanding in order to provide pathways for healing.

Many women, as we wake up to “patriarchy” having taken something from us, in turn have adverse reactions toward men and masculine.

Are men patriarchal?

Are men dominators?

Is masculinity synonymous with patriarchy?

Is masculinity and “domination” the same thing?

And so on.

I think it’s important to consciously pull apart our assumptions about all of the above.

“Man” is not “dominator”

In this post, I am not going to thoroughly go through what “man” and “masculine” are, as I do that elsewhere and it’s not the exact point of today’s post. The point of this post is to say that while we are aware of “dominator culture,” there is another force that I’m not seeing anyone really talk about, which is taking from the feminine just as much (if not more?) than domination.

I will say that there are most certainly “conscious” and “unconscious” aspects of “masculine” as an archetype, as well as “masculinity” as an expression of the masculine archetype. Today’s masculinity does not truly represent conscious expression of the masculine archetype, something that culture would be very well served to investigate.

When I refer to “masculine” I am referring to the archetypal masculine, not the existing cultural expression of masculinity.

When we think of “masculinity” as the cultural expression, that is where we start to get confused about whether masculinity is synonymous with “domination” or dominator culture.

Men and unconscious masculine archetypal expression have been used as pawns in a dominator culture, but this is not one and the same with the potential or archetypal expression of the conscious masculine, or conscious masculinity.

Domination is a power play, it directly takes energy, and is a negative force. Many men over time have acted out domination over women, but that does not make all men dominators. Many men are specifically trying very hard not to be dominators.

The “other” dominator.

Many men are even attempting to step away from cultural associations with “masculinity” because of the association with “domination.” For example, a man may decide to never show any rise in emotion or anger for fear that he may appear to someone as dominating. In this way, when a man cuts himself off from the full scope of his expression, he also is not embracing a fully conscious masculine archetype. Because in this example, a conscious masculine would seek appropriate outlets for big energy to move, such as swinging an ax in the woods and building something, working out really hard, or going to a men’s circle where full expression is safe. So we don’t want to cut off healthy expressions of masculine energy for fear of slipping into domination.

Thanks, men, for trying to avoid domination. But I’ve got to tell you, there is something nearly just as bad that is happening all the time.

This prolific element that I have noticed in our culture, especially in men trying hard not to be dominators, is when shadow-masculine becomes a “siphoning force” rather than a “dominating force.”

I see this in these same men who have denounced domination, yet still are lost as to what a healthy relationship with the feminine looks like, and they are looking to satiate their feminine longing, as well as prove their softness, as well as (unconsciously) seek feminine nurturance via a woman.

Siphoning forces are nearly as bad as dominator forces. They are prolific, they deplete women, and they are sometimes harder to name.

Hence, I’m naming it.

Siphoning forces play out in some of the following behaviors from men:

A man wants to have sex with a woman without fully committing to her.
Polyamory and other excuses for men to have sex with multiple women.
Men seeking to prove their self worth by being “good.” In this case he is trying so hard to not be a dominator that he is weakening his masculinity and looking for reassurance that he is good.
A man who deeply seeks the love of Mother and looks for it in partners. (See resources for the Mother Wound here.)
Men with unresolved wounds from ex spouses, mothers of their children, or their own mother who want to, again, prove they are good and have that proven from their current partners.
Men who are unable to structure a relationship with a woman and want to come in and out of her life, home, and body.
Men who are saying, “Look, I’m providing, now please give me what I want.”
Men who are performing for her love, attention, sex.

In each of these examples (or variations of them you can relate to), there is an invisible siphoning force. In every one of the examples, what the man is unconsciously trying to “get to” is deep feminine energy, or Mothering energy, or said differently, The Mother. As in, a deep unconscious longing for a relationship with the Eternal Mother or Divine Feminine.

The what?

Exactly. The very fact that we don’t really have a cultural place or words for this within “patriarchy” is a huge contributing factor to the problem. We don’t even know what we’re missing.

Women can’t explain why they’re tired after sex or why they just aren’t turned on by their nice-guy husband – it’s because relating to him is actually leaking life force.

Nearly every woman (and man) can tell you the experience of a man needing her to “mother him” and how off-putting that eventually becomes. The impact of a man seeking this energy via a woman is a net loss in her life force.

Why? Because he is taking something invisible. That’s why I’m using the word “siphoning.”

Moving beyond unintentional feminine siphoning.

So what does it look like when a consciously masculine MAN moves beyond this? When a man is NOT siphoning off her feminine life force and essence, what does that look like?

This is the good part.

When he enters her body, he is doing it in service to her.
He has a sense of his God-connection. When he enters her body or her life, he is in service to bringing that God-consciousness to her.
He is aware that when he shows up in this way, he amplifies the feminine. He actually receives MORE feminine essence, not via siphoning, but via enjoyment, getting to bask in her expression, getting to experience the fullness of the true feminine essence.
He is aware that it is via his Source/God connection and expression that the feminine is able to create more life. So he is in service to feminine creation.
He is aware that when he “seeds” a woman – with an idea, with his attention, with his sperm – that he is bringing forward a God-force into her. Therefore he does it with his heart’s intention, his consciousness, and his full responsibility.
He is in full service to the feminine. He is not a doormat. He is in right-relationship with the feminine aspect of God/Creation and he serves that. He knows that he is a human vessel in service to Creation via the feminine on earth. More than just trying to avoid being a dominator himself, he actually works to serve the rehabilitation of the feminine on the planet in a post-dominator society.
He is aware of all of these things whether or not he is actively in relationship, as a leader, as a member of society – all the time.

This is a deep inner journey for men and requires men to go beyond just denouncing patriarchal domination and other “nice guy” strategies. The “nice guy” can actually be quite dangerous to the feminine and to women in his docile nature that does not enable him to actually run the frequency of Masculine Consciousness through himself, therefore further depleting the feminine on the planet.

As a starter, men, imagine the force of the Sun coursing through you. Imagine that YOU ARE light, and that this light is consciousness itself. Then ask yourself what this Consciousness would be in service to. Why does the light or the sun shine, warm, and radiate light on the planet? In order to seed Life, of course.

That is what you are. Thank you for your continued dedication to your journey of embodied masculinity and rightful partnership with the conscious feminine on the planet.

Private coaching is available for men & couples as well as women. It is my honor to be of service as we all heal patterns of separation and live in more love!

For women, transactions-first models feel gross.

We are modern women, waking up to the truth of who we are, and standing in that truth. We are formulating businesses, offerings and strategies, according to the full truth of who we are. We are choosing where to spend our money based on how we feel, who we know personally, and what ethos we want to support.

For women, sales are not first.

I think more and more, women are keen to know when a situation is transactional, and we’re opting out of it.

A few years ago I joined a women’s community where the premise was everyone was featuring their offers, but it really in practice reduced to everyone selling to one another. Or trying to. I never sold anything. Not because my work isn’t valuable or applicable to the women there – it could have been really useful – but I think it was because everyone felt “sold to” when maybe what we wanted was connection first.

Over many years now of what I’ll call spiritual entrepreneurship, I have worked with coaches whose models I no longer agree with ethically, and I’ve watched as female entrepreneurs first emulate and then try to adapt and improve current models.

I’ve also watched women’s circles that are like pyramid schemes and rely on overly-feminine processes and don’t effectively help women creators to launch and be prosperous.

As women creators who are bringing deep wisdom through based on life experiences, training, spiritual evolution and consciousness, we’ve got great offers, but how to get them to really fly? Sales gets tiring, but more than that, it often just doesn’t feel aligned to the authentic nature of what we’re trying to bring forward.

To be a solo-entrepreneur really requires one to constantly sell themselves, which isn’t the point, because we’re trying to sell an offer that improves someone’s lives but we’re a one-woman show, so it looks like we’re trying to sell us.

Which feels gross by the time we really experience it. Maybe more so depending on the level of ethics one chooses to utilize.

So, integrating experience with intuition, I’m going to offer a new way.

A new community model formulated on relationships first, but with the intent that every single woman in the space thrive financially and experience prosperity in all areas of her life.

And, it’s a community that fosters women’s unique gifts and talents, allowing her to experience prosperity in alignment with her true calling and essence.

This community is based on the premise that women can be exactly who they are, develop their ideas into financially viable offerings, and be celebrated and experience prosperity along the way. This is the Sacred Remembering Community.

Over the next 5 to 10 years, I want to see this grow into an entirely new model for women’s success. Since apparently the Barbie Movie just made it acceptable for us to now say “patriarchy” publicly without cringe, I’ll say it is an alternative or antidote model to patriarchy. (I said patriarchy in 2019 in my TEDx, which TED just so happened to not want to publish… so I’m glad we’re moving forward.)

I’m coming up on two years of running this community, and what I’ve witnessed here as well in the other groups I’ve hosted is that when women know one another, and care about one another’s whole experience, they will naturally uplift one another.

Without making sales, marketing or transactions the focus, women’s prosperity elevates when women form authentic relationships first.

So the basis of Sacred Remembering is “women waking up to the truth of who they are, and standing in that truth.” We share the “this is who I really am” part, which leads to women feeling more confident to stand in that truth, which then leads to more prosperity.

So let me give you an example.

If I know Audrey as a friend via community, and I have seen Audrey’s personal and spiritual evolution, and I’ve heard in Community Calls why she cares so much about the topic that led her to creating a business or an offering, I’m going to tell everyone I know about Audrey‘s offering.

Because it’s a genuine on two levels. One, I have a relationship with Audrey, and two, I have witnessed her authentic process, the reclaiming of her own truths, and her passion.

Also, when a woman really touches into the *very* thing she cares most about, she lights up. When we see that in community, we reflect to one another, “Yes! That! Please share that with the world!”

When women or female entrepreneurs are trying to do this in isolation, we don’t have the feedback, and we don’t have the community to uplift us, which leads one down the road of becoming transactional. We have to sell our products. And that really is grating and draining to the cultivated feminine system within a woman. If we want to stop emulating patriarchy, we remember what life with the integrated feminine actually feels like (Barbie doesn’t understand that part yet), and then we have to develop new models that nourish, rather than deplete, the feminine.

When you are in authentic community, and someone over-steps and tries to sell to you first, it feels abrasive and inappropriate to the feminine essence. The feminine flourishes with relationships, a felt-sense of truth and trust, and connection.

I’m always astonished on LinkedIn that anyone thinks that they can come into my inbox and sell me some thing with one message. My clients do not make the decision to work with me through one message, they make the decision to work with me through trust, relationally, over time. I pretty much never invest my money when I hear about something for the first time, especially not a coaching or business mentorship offer, because I have no trust formulated for the person who just popped into my inbox. I actually don’t even finish reading the message, because when you put transactions first, it is off putting to the feminine.

It feels so good as a woman to stop playing transactional games. It feels so good as a woman to lift up other women, and have other women lift me up. It feels good to trust that we can all rise together – and that we will.

For more information on the Sacred Remembering Community, please visit SarahPoet.com.

Wait… are you saying to withhold sex?

What does every man want the most?

The answer is not sex, it’s not money, it’s not power.

I believe that what every man wants the reunification with the deepest essence of the feminine, and that this drives his entire life, most often subconsciously.

Men form their first relationship with the feminine through the relationship with the biological mother. And then, because mothers are imperfect, as humanity is imperfect, his formation of the idea of what “Mother” is is imprinted as imperfect.

This creates within him, I believe, the greatest potential anguish and quest in this life. The deep psyche of a man longs for a holy reunification with the Mother, and with the feminine. It drives him whether or not he ever realizes it.

The deep feminine is also the thing he fears the most, or that he may try to conquer and control.

This desire in men to reunite with the depths of the feminine may cause him to do unconscious things like stay in boyhood, stay in victimhood (making all women wrong, like his mother, and waiting for the woman who will prove he is worthy of the feminine’s love), or go from woman to woman, drinking of the feminine but not staying with any one woman. He may keep himself in a position of relying on women for money, being taken care of. He may only feel better when he has been given sex, when she “proves” to him that he is “worthy” of having access to her. He may feel entitled to access to her and take it. Or he may swoon her with spiritual language or wanting to experience her full “surrender” to him so that he can feel his masculinity through her.

All of the above (and more) are expressions of the man trying to work out his relationship to the feminine. He wants access to the feminine, and he wants to know that he is worthy of that access. The man who does not know better goes to women to get this access. When neither one of them realizes what is happening, she may feel as though he’s somehow invisibly sucking the life out of her, or that he never seems to give her what it is she most wants. Often, this is his full commitment or devotion.

Women who do not know better give men (who are really still uninitiated boys in this case) this access, but it doesn’t work out for either of them. Why? Because he has access to sex.

A man has to reunite with the feminine, the depths of the feminine, the Holy Feminine, the Divine Mother – by ANY and EVERY name – he has to reunite with her within himself and his soul journey. A.k.a. NOT through your vagina.

A woman can’t be this stand-in. (Just as a man can not be the stand-in for a woman to reunite with the Holy Father, by any name.)

So it could be that a man who is looking for the deep access to the feminine, to reunite with the Mother on all levels, looks for this by poking his penis ever-further into the woman (or many women), questing for this thirst to be quenched.

Remember, men want access to the feminine more than anything else.

So, women. There is a question of when to have sex, when to give it, when not to give it. Obviously, this is a nuanced thing and you always decide for yourself.

Have you had an issue with a man having access to your sex and then leaving when you thought he should be more honoring of what you just gave him?

Have you had an experience with an adult man thinking he was entitled to your body?

Have you had a man ask you to surrender to him or to prove to him that you trust him fully by allowing him to enter you?

Have you had a man use your money, not provide for you, but then also want sex with you?

Have you emotionally nurtured a man but it did not feel reciprocated?

All of these examples are a man who is looking for reassuring access to the Mother, through you.

I could stop there. That’s really enough information for you to understand the energetics. But I’ll say a bit more, for added empowerment and understanding.

Is it withholding to not have sex with a man when you sense that this energetic is in place? I’m not sure that that is even the right question.

Do you have every right to NOT have sex with someone if you feel he is sucking you dry, asking you to prove his masculinity, without making your life easier? Yes, you have every right.

And if you DO continue to have sex with a man in the above scenarios, will you continue to give him access to the feminine (albeit not the exact type he subconsciously most yearns for), thus NOT getting your deepest needs met? Yes. If you continue to give the sex, you will continue to experience the same thing.

More sex does NOT equal this man saying to himself, “I have to be a better man for this woman!” More sex for this man usually reinforces to him, “I’m doing just fine! Look! She just reinforced that I’m okay as I am.”

Because he has his access.

You have sex with a man when he is showing up in a way that is already what you want. You have sex with the man who is already embodied in himself, already reunified with the divine mother, has already had his soul journey to the underworld and back, has already committed to you.

You never have sex with a man who is not embodying the energy you truly desire, hoping that he will, after sex, begin embodying what you desire. (I mean, unless you want to.)

Because the moment you give this man access to the feminine, he stops questing for himself.

The moment you give him full access, he thinks he’s reached it, and he does not have to quest any more.

Are you understanding me?

It’s not withholding sex. It’s only responding to the energetic that you see in front of you. And if that energetic in front of you is truly what you desire to allow to penetrate your life, then you let him in. You welcome him in and it is your deepest pleasure to BE the feminine divine for him.

When you know that you are and can be the ever-loving depth of the feminine, then only a man worthy of that is allowed in. It’s only natural and by then, it’s not withholding. It’s just a standard.

But if you are hoping, and he is poking and hunting… you may be better off waiting for the time you do feel the full, embodied, devotional, covering presence of the man who is coming to give, rather than to drink. Because the man who is showing up to give will certainly know and respect that he is gaining access to the most precious space on earth (or in all the cosmos), and he will respect you as such. And you will be the cosmos which is filled by him, and the giving and receiving will be the joy between you.

So you tell me, does this sound like withholding? Or a sovereign standard of recalibration?

About the author:

Sarah Poet is a subject-matter expert on feminine and masculine energetics, archetypes, exchanges, healing trauma, and what it might require for us to raise the consciousness of feminine and masculine for conscious and evolutionary love. To learn more about her private coaching and courses for individuals and couples looking to evolve past patriarchal patterning, visit www.SarahPoet.com today.

If you want to heal your relationship, go beyond polarity.

Improving masculine and feminine polarity in a relationship is one piece of the puzzle. It’s important, but I personally don’t think that it alone will re-harmonize a Union between two people.

Lately, in my couples coaching practice, I’ve been thinking about how masculine / feminine polarity isn’t enough to truly heal a relationship.

And that is why I don’t just teach polarity!

I know many couples – maybe you – who want to re-polarize their relationship to healthy feminine & masculine dynamics. This is understandable, needed, and fantastic.

Our culture didn’t socialize us to be attuned to conscious feminine and masculine. Our culture had gender roles that were so skewed and far from conscious feminine and masculine that we now have to re-learn what these even mean to us, and then we are able to begin to interpret what they mean in relationships.

As men and women, we picked up certain characteristics of gender that simply weren’t conscious.

For example, a woman who may think that in order to have everything under control learns to climb a career ladder and earn all of her own money, which is a masculine energetic. Then, in relationship, she finds that she has a difficult time polarizing into the feminine energetic with her masculine partner. She may exhibit characteristics (personality habits) that try to control all the details of the relationship in order to keep her emotionally safe (or give her that illusion of safety.) She may have a difficult time letting a man take the lead, even if she so desperately wants to relinquish control.

And what about him?

He may yearn deeply for a woman to trust him, but if he’s honest with himself, he may actually have a hard time trusting himself. He may ask himself, “If she surrendered to me, would I know what to do? Will she stay?” He may very much want to play a traditionally masculine role of provision and protection, but he may have a difficult time actually standing in a powerful energetic in order to do this.

So is polarity enough?

I can teach her how to embody more of a feminine polarity in the energetic, and him a more masculine polarity in the relationship, so that they can feel and enjoy what healthier expressions of feminine and masculine feel like. This can be fun.

And, I do this for couples, within a larger framework. Couples come to me in part because they desire to experience polarity (even if they don’t know that this is what they subconsciously want), but if I only taught that, I’d be doing a disservice.

Why?

Because polarity play alone would be like a couple acting out parts in a play without authentic, embodied shift in how they live their lives. Polarity play can bolster confidence such that one thinks they’ve made a huge change, but then the subconscious material sneaks back in and sabotages a couple’s true connection again.

Because it is what is under her self-protective armoring and tendency to try to control that also needs to be worked with, and it is what is under his incessant need to please without actually feeling powerful that is what needs to be worked with.

And you know where these originated? In the primary relationships with mother and father. (A little less sexy than polarity play, I know.)

“Polarity play” is play, but truly healing masculine and feminine is sincere work that happens in the body/soma, mind, and heart, and in consideration of healing the Mother & Father Wounds.

We have to go to the root of where the societal gender roles messed with us and undo that, let your partner witness you honestly, and heal together.

Did you know that you can hold the space for this transformation to happen within your partner without emotionally laboring for them or shrinking into a smaller version of yourself??? You can.

I personally don’t go into a lot of stories in my couples coaching work, meaning I don’t go into the stories of the past traumas. Rather, I am adept at identifying patterns in behavior and energetics, that link to the root. It’s more efficient than talk therapy, though it can be done in conjunction with therapy.

The roots of the patterns can be worked with in the present moment through Conscious Relating techniques, and I am using that term to point to the set of embodied practices that I have developed for couples to practice together.

These are trauma-informed practices, which means that I have taken what I have learned and experienced through trauma therapies and combined that with partner touch, breath awareness, and mindfulness. If you’re interested in it, I can add energy healing to that space that creates a true breakthrough.

Combined with my coaching, we identify the place of trauma or resistance that is held in the space between a couple, and we work together to heal it through presence, breath, energetics, and a bit of magic. 😉

Re-polarizing masculine and feminine is one piece of the puzzle. It’s important, but I personally don’t think that it alone will re-harmonize a Union between two people.

For that, we need to look at healing on physical, emotional, mental, and energetic levels.

If you are interested in that level of “coaching,” you can learn more and book a consultation with me at https://www.sarahpoet.com/consciousrelating

If you JUST want to look at my Foundations of Conscious Relationships Course, visit and purchase here. https://www.sarahpoet.com/foundations-of-conscious-relationships

In 2023, there are FOUR ways to interact / combine the above.
1. Do the course on your own
2. Course + 4 private sessions with me (consultation required)
3. Course + 8 private sessions with me (consultation required)
4. 12-16 weeks of full-immersion private coaching with me (consultation required)

Obviously, the deeper you go into the private coaching work with me, the more positive effect we can have on your relationship.

I look forward to supporting you on this important path of becoming more conscious in love relationships,

Sarah Poet

Is feminine & masculine polarity an adequate gateway to the relationship you want?

Perhaps some aspects of common feminine / masculine polarity teachings are true, but then entire schools of thought (and businesses) are constructed around these partial and unrealized trends. They are selling you “polarity” as a gateway to Union, but I caution this.

There is a lot of information out there about feminine masculine polarity that is false and it is hurting good people. I’ll start by saying that.

Some examples of a common teaching via coaches on Facebook and the like that the masculine is completely responsible for our provision. Or that the feminine’s job is to just open and expect to receive.

Both of these very common pseudo-spiritual teachings cause good humans to contort their behavior and wonder what is wrong with them or their partners when their relationships feel stressed or are non existent.

When we put ourselves inside of false constructs, and that is what these “extreme” polarity teachings are, then our lives feel tight and we wonder why. We have thoughts that the masculine “should” behave a certain way and have it all together and that the feminine “should” behave in a perfectly polarized way and have it all together.

A relationship that is attempting to live in this style of polarity will find itself eventually very stressed out and at extremes.

So what is needed?

The answer could also eventually be described as behavior, or mindset, but first I would like to suggest we go wider still – to a new framework of consciousness.

Nearly all of what we have determined as masculine and feminine, from gender associations to pseudo-spiritual polarity games, have so-far been constructed within a false consciousness grid. This grid is a framework that holds what we believe, until we change it (it starts with you and I), and then the collective consciousness grid actually changes. This is how we change the frequencies of thought and behavior on the planet, as more and more change their relationship to the false-consciousness grid.

But we have a ways to go, because so far, the former grid was BUILT on polarity and separation – an either/or scenario.

The point to feminine and masculine is not to over-emphasize its polarity. It is to explore union. People *know* this conceptually as an idea but to desire to get to Union through Polarity is going to likely remain within the framework of either/or.

These two are not two, but one. It is a nice ideal, but trying to put feminine and masculine back together in actual Union within a separation matrix is nearly impossible.

So what is needed is an upgrade to the consciousness matrix itself, to Unity and to the energetic frequencies that uphold unity. You have heard of Unity Consciousness. That is a different frequency, first.

This is also the frequency of love and partnership. It is the conscious and energetic movement from either/or and fear-based thinking into unified thinking and being (this is where your behavioral changes come in).

You will experience this on the subtle energetic layers of the body / mind / energy, where you stop experiencing the need for polarity or opposition, and feel more peace with the union that simply IS.

This Unity Frequency is already within and already all around you and when you stop looking for it through polarity, it may be closer than do you think.

Opportunities to reflect:

1. Where are you so interested in expressing an extreme or a polarity idea about feminine / masculine within your relationship(s) that you are missing the opportunity for peace?
2. Where do you desire harmony in your relationships and you are attempting to get there to the practice of polarity or, God forbid, domination submission?

Contemplate these questions, and if you would like to talk with me about 12 weeks of couples immersion, please learn more and schedule a consultation here.

Opening the Heart

When there has been trauma in the body, what does it look like to begin to truly trust the opening and guidance of the heart?

We have so many reasons to close. To protect our hearts. It’s tragic, really, all the excuses we could have for self protection.

I’ve had plenty.

And I’m happy to say, they are being challenged at the next level as I’m being invited to open in places that I maybe didn’t know I was closed.

I recently found myself in a situation with a man where I did not expect there to be attraction. We’d gotten together as friends and colleagues and then, on this particular day, as he said later, as I’d opened the door and he found me to be “radiant.”

Radiant. What an “open” expression. I am quite sure that that is the first time a man has ever called me radiant, which is such a beautiful compliment. More than a compliment, it’s an affirmation that as I have been doing the good work of tending to this feminine essence, it is reflecting outward.

The thing was, however, I felt quite tired on that particular day. I’d had a really deep session with a practitioner the day before, and perhaps I’d describe myself as tender. I wasn’t sad or armored or anything like that. I was just integrating some information that was making me a little tender. So perhaps I was even more unguarded than usual.

I’ve done a lot of work on my body and the traumas it had endured, and I’ve done a lot of work on my heart to unguard it. I think the feminine heart could be at any given point tender, or elated, or somehow otherwise feeling deeply. If we’re not guarding our hearts, then it will be feeling something, because that’s what it does.

And so I’ve been contemplating this thing of opening. There’s always the interesting thing we do as humans where we ask, “What am I opening to?” and then we decide if we can open to meet that external thing – whether it be an offer, an agreement, a man’s invitation, etc. But that’s not what I’m talking about. I immediately noticed that the external situation was not my first reference point. For decades in my life it had been. “What is the man doing? What is the man feeling? What is the man offering and am I open to it?” But this was entirely different.

My reference point was entirely internal. I was pacing with my nervous system. “Is my body opening toward this idea, or closing?” Did I feel the familiar old closure of guardedness, and if so, what did the body need? I was tracking my opening and closing. Anyone with previous trauma related to men knows what I’m talking about – the familiar guards come up as we feel things out. There were plenty of times in the past when my body gave me “Closure! Constriction! Do not proceed!” warning signs that I did not head, which lead to more of my own depletion later. I was noticing this time that it was just natural to stay attuned to myself first – I was going to follow my body’s lead.

“No moving forward, on any given day, without openness in the body.”

That’s progress. For any woman. High fives all around when we’re listening to the body.

However.

I realized something major. When I was tracking my body’s contraction or expansion, I was essentially tracking the nervous system. I was tracking whether or not the nervous system felt safety or fear. And in doing so, I was not attuning to whether or not my heart was opening and what my heart’s truth was.

This is really important, because given the way trauma works, we could be experiencing somatic symptoms of a past trauma in a very safe present-day situation. And if we’re only attuning to that and forgetting the heart, then we’ll make it about the past, the trauma, and the nervous system. The attunement to the body is amazing, but then, there is the next-level attunement to the heart.

Beyond previous experiences of depletion or hurt, beyond how the body holds trauma patterns of constriction, there was a new invitation to notice and expand into. “Does the heart want to open? Is the heart opening?”

I’ve been traveling with the real-life sequence of the teachings I call Heartland now for over a year, but when I felt Spirit nudge me in February to open them back up in in April, I was immediately inside of a next-level learning about the heart. I was back inside the “initiation” of learning these deep transformations to leave more and more layers of feminine depletion, guardedness, and old story behind, and to come into feminine replenishment, the heart, and the experience of the spark of creation.

In Heartland, we journey to a place of prosperity in the Heart. Not just money and wealth, but true, soul-aligned, heart-opening, blissful, no longer afraid, understanding the creation energy of the cosmos HEART.

There are eight areas of the Heartland teachings, like a sequence. I had told this man, when sharing about Heartland, that I felt that I was somehow in stage seven of eight. I had conceptualized what stage eight might look like, but was still stretching into it as a woman. Well, you can’t stretch into the Heart of the Heartland until you’re really, truly, willing to move beyond the stories of depletion, fear, the times things were taken from you in the past… the traumas we’ve held in the body, and all the reasons to close the heart.

And then I saw myself doing it – tracking the sensations of the familiar fear responses in my body (which again, it is really important not to override those sensations) instead of tracking the radiance of my own heart.

And I think that’s a big part of the leap. Tracking expansion just as much as we’re tracking constriction. Tracking the heart just as much as we’re tracking the nervous system.

I am not the woman that previously attracted men who were willing to take my life force energy from me. But sometimes something in me forgets and still thinks that I am her, and then my nervous system has a closure response.

I am instead the woman who has worked on the radiance and prosperity of my own heart. I am the woman who has honored the journey of this body and soul. I am the woman who will decide how to proceed, and I am the woman who is choosing to stand now fully in the New. And the New is the land of the Heart. The place of internal and eternal prosperity. The place beyond taking, where we remember the stories of depletion as a distant memory we have overcome, but where now, we radiate. We shine. We shine our diamond, crystalline hearts, and as we are, good men like this one will not help but to be magnetized and awed by it, and because we are ready, the feminine can now open even deeper.

First open the body, as the body is ready. Then, open the heart. This is the place where the cosmos will join you in the dance of creation. This is the true Heartland, accessible beyond separation, closure, and fear. This is the place your soul deserves to reside.

Stop letting men deplete you.

the woman who has something they want. Some men will uplift women and their missions. Let’s talk about the difference.

Some men will subconsciously tear down the woman who has something they want. Some men will uplift women and their missions.

Let’s talk about the difference.

A man who wants something from a woman that he’s not getting may act in the following ways:

insatiable desire for her body, her energy
tearing her down when he sees her succeeding
feeling very lofty for his minor financial success, feels inflated when giving to a woman
desires to have a lot of conversations of big ideas, but does little with them and does not have a command of his own money or make those things happen

At the root of any of this behavior is a dis-integration of the Mother in the man.

A man needs to acknowledge his insatiable thirst for Her (mother, feminine, woman) and reconcile this within himself.

When he does, he will be IN SERVICE TO a woman, her mission, her success. He will ask how he can help. He will refer her services to others, he will put her in front of his people. He will invest his energy and money into her.

Because he has no problem uplifting and sharing the wisdom of the Holy Feminine for all eyes to see.

Women, my guess is that you have a lot of experience with men who do NOT understand this yet.

My guess is also that you have a lingering imprint of depletion as a result of this.

Maybe you’re married to a good man who can’t get enough of you… but it wears you down for some reason.

Maybe you enter into relationships and receive big promises from men, rearranging your life accordingly, to find he can’t keep it and then you feel depleted.

Or you spend a lot of time with male friends who talk about deep and spiritual stuff but then you realize that this time investment hasn’t actually made you more resourceful.

Maybe you have no idea what it feels like to be uplifted by a man who doesn’t want to consume you.

In that case, my love, Heartland is for you. You can take this as a live course, offered once a year, or schedule a consultation with me about doing this in private mentorship.

Heartland is about creating regenerative energetics in our systems as women so that we are no longer in depletion – and has NOTHING to do with men.

Why are women in depletion? Because we’ve operated with distortions around what masculine & feminine really are in this silly gender construct – and we’ve given and given to men, to families, to society, to workplaces…. forever.

Women are collectively depleted.

When women are replenished, we change the entire energetics of the operating system of the planet. (Starting with your world first.)

It’s a bigger educational piece that I’m happy to get into, but my love, let me ask you this – did you relate to what I was saying here? The amazing thing is, too, that when we say “no more” to depletion and clear these lower-masculine behaviors from our lives, and/or correct the energetic template ourselves, the men who show up in our lives are the ones who have done the work with the Holy Mother and are now prepared to support you as well.

What a welcome change, right??

Change the energetics from depletion to regeneration in YOU, now. Heartland will take you there.

Emotional labor never motivated any man to change.

conscious, and yet, that actually gives energy toward a “fallen masculine.” He doesn’t have to be stronger if you’re giving him your energy as is.

I learned about the term “emotional labor” a few years ago, but I don’t think I authentically understood it until I studied the energetics of it in my own life.

The extent to which this is an issue in our culture continues to astound me.

I’m kind of all about energetic sovereignty, my own path of masculine / feminine union, wholeness, and energy optimization. I have this whole planner system about women’s time and energy optimization and I use it daily to track where my energy goes. (It’s called Structure & Flow and you can learn more here, but then come back so you don’t miss this key info.)

I know where my time goes. I know where my life force goes. I know how I optimize my energy with superfoods and energy practices, meditation and time allocation. And I know I do not choose to give away or waste my time, which I used to do a lot. In correlation to giving away my time and energy, I wasn’t thriving.

A woman’s greatest resources are her inherent resources – her life force energy, time, attention, mental and emotional capacity, and her body… you know, everything the patriarchy took for granted or expected she give away.

You see, the world is *used to* expecting a woman’s energy, and I’m going to make a generalization here, that men are used to asking for, even demanding, women’s energy and receiving it. It’s historic, habitual, and mostly unconscious.

But we know women are used to over-giving. And conversely, men are used to expecting a woman to continue to give. I invite you to be aware of this in your life and see what you notice. Where do you give your energy because it’s expected, but it doesn’t actually feel good to you? Maybe it’s sex, or picking up the phone when your brother is in crisis, or wanting your husband to be more emotionally aware.

This week alone, I encountered this twice, where men were wanting my emotional energy instead of going deep into their own process, which is what I call emotional labor. Twice this week! And I don’t even have a lot of active male social relationships anymore because I’m so aware of where my energy goes and I’ve stopped investing my time and efforts into elevating masculine consciousness. It’s not mine to do.

I actually had super messy energetics with men for a long time that looked really conscious in disguise. I would invest a lot of time and energy (two of my greatest resources) toward helping male friends and even acquaintances elevate their consciousness. In 2018, I invested time and wisdom writing articles for a men’s group, never getting paid, until I realized that I was only outputting energy and there wasn’t reciprocation or even deep appreciation. I have historically championed men and masculinity so much that I was sometimes investing more energy into motivating men than men were investing in themselves. (Okay, this happened a lot.)

Why would I do this? Well, it’s the same reason we all do it.

We’re hoping, as women, that if we put our energy into men, that men will elevate. We love them and we’re hoping that they’ll be motivated into their masculinity if we put energy into leading him there. We hope that they will see their potential, take us deeper, be able to lead us.

But this never works. Doing this emotional labor for a man actually never works to elevate the man – which is our heart’s hope and intention.

Now that I understand energy, conscious feminine & masculine, and sovereign energetics much more deeply, I can see that a woman investing her energy into a man who is emotionally collapsed, or doing what’s called “emotionally laboring” for a man, actually never motivates him.

If a man is “collapsed,” or isn’t realizing an aspect of his personal power, consciousness, or masculinity, and he looks to a woman to assuage his feelings, and she gives it, this is called emotional labor. Or, if you care more than your man cares. Or, if you’re giving energy, feeling depleted, and not getting anything in return. The historic and perpetual depletion in women is often caused by emotional labor. You’re giving your energy, time, and valuable resources in a way where you’re trying to do his emotional or evolutionary work for him.

Back to why this never works.

A man who is asking for this kind of energy from a woman almost always has an active mother wound (I can’t think of another reason why he’d do this). He yearns for access to the deep energetics of the sacred feminine, and the Mother of creation. It’s his work to do to find this relationship with the divine, and when he does, his masculinity will elevate in the presence of that relationship. A man with an integrated relationship to the Divine Feminine or Holy Mother will not need a woman to emotionally labor for him. Because he’s met by the eternal feminine.

But most men don’t yet know this. And leading a man to this place is really never a woman’s to do. Actually her refusal to try to get him to go there potentially his greatest motivator to actually to there.

So what does a woman do to stop emotionally laboring?

She needs to stop giving him the energy of the mother, the metaphorical “mother’s breast” of nurturance, and the emotional energy.
She needs to be aware of where her time & energy go, track it, and value it more. A modern woman serious about her evolution doesn’t have time to waste on trying to convince a man of anything.
She needs to expand her relationship with the divine masculine, the eternal masculine, the Holy Father. (This is big work and requires great devotion.)
When she has this energy integrated, she’ll be running the masculine current through her body and energy system. She will feel much more whole and complete in herself and through her relationship to the divine. This is where it gets juicy, because this is where she actually starts to *activate the man.*
When a woman is in sovereign energetics (all of the above), she doesn’t need to ask a man to be anything for her, or do anything for her. She’s cleaned up her own distortions of what she needs from men, and she’s essentially good to go. So with this amazing integration in her system, she can hold a new energetic and invite him to participate in relating differently. If she is not speaking to the collapsed places in him, he will notice that she is no longer giving that her effort. When she does this consciousness work, he will automatically begin to activate and elevate. He will notice what she positively responds to, and this is enough that he will begin to change his behavior. This is the law of energetics and it must happen.

You don’t have to do anything *for* a man to get him to change. You have to follow your path, and he will naturally activate. Or, he won’t, and then you will move on.

Women have been orienting toward men and asking men to become more conscious, and yet, that actually gives energy toward a “fallen masculine.” He doesn’t have to be stronger if you’re giving him your energy as is.

I was recently explaining this to a client, and she said, “Oh no! The women have to activate the men?!” She was essentially saying, “We have to do more emotional labor?!”

I said, “No, actually, this is far less work. This is hands off. This is cultivating your evolution and sovereign energy, giving his distortion less or no attention whatsoever, and then watching for how he starts to notice and activate into an energetic match to you. Then give him attention when you see more of what you know he’s capable of. Less attention and emotional labor for the collapsed energy, and all of the natural attraction and affirmation when you see him naturally activating.”

So actually being more sovereign in your energy, and activating him in this new way, is *less work* than emotional laboring ever was.

With much, much greater results.

There are two ways to learn more about this & receive my direct support:

Conscious Love Relationships

A couple came to me a few months ago wanting to take their relationship through a repeating, trauma pattern to conscious love.

A couple came to me a few months ago wanting to take their relationship through a repeating, traumatized pattern to conscious love.

I love this goal of conscious love. I asked them what conscious love meant to them. And, what we found was that while they wanted it, it was difficult for them to explain it, or even know what to ask for.

“Maybe we’ll know it when we get there…?”

When you’re in the repeating, looping patterns inside of a relationship, you don’t quite see how to get out of them. You don’t quite see how to make the unconscious conscious, which is what needs to happen.

Hint: it’s usually not about the communication.

How couples typically try to go through these trauma-looping patterns is to talk about it, to rationalize it, in endless, long, laborious, not-fun conversations. But the material isn’t rational, that’s why you’re stuck. And that’s why the conversations aren’t moving the dial on the actual issue.

The stuff of what keeps a relationship looping is the stuff of the deep subconscious. What you’ve wanted from love in the past but didn’t get. Or how you say you want love, but you stay self-protected and avoiding depth. These are just two examples.

But there is actually massive opportunity in these exact places of confusion – inside the blind spots. And you may think me some kind of freak that I get excited about the opportunity inside of chaos, but as a conscious couples coach, I do get very excited about this. Being willing to go there is a significant aspect of conscious love. And, the exact place that is driving you crazy in your relationship has the capacity not only to reveal the deepest truth about each of you, but also to actually help you discover conscious love.

If a couple chooses to walk to move through a deeply stuck situation, through exactly the places that they want to avoid, blame, rationalize, or run away, and if they can stay with the triggers and learn to presence with one another, they will find that they are actually learning conscious love.

It starts with developing abiding presence.

When I work with a couple, I teach them how to presence with one another – how to notice the contraction or expansion in their bodies, how to notice their breath, how to honor the truth of the moment for themselves and not get lost to their partner or pressure.

I teach couples how to stay conscious in the moment, so that their relationship can become a conscious relationship longterm.

Conscious love sounds like an amazing idea but it may also sound pressuring to some. It doesn’t require a lot of spiritual knowledge or the transcendence of all of your flaws, as the words may imply.

What actually is required is the willingness to stick with even a difficult moment, to learn about yourselves, and to be with what is, in any given moment. If you are willing to do these things, you can have a conscious relationship that evolves over time. You can have a relationship that takes you deeper into connection and intimacy in the body and beyond.

Anyone can have a conscious love relationship. It just requires the adjustment of some skills.

You will discover and define what Conscious Love means to you in your relationship – once you can see the possibility.

For the couple I mentioned, their definition evolved to include the following: full acceptance of the other without judgement, active masculine feminine polarity, breathing together regularly, learning from one another, trusting one another fully and trusting the divine more, surrender, conscious love making and intimacy, greater connection, authentic desire, and more.

I take couples through the stuck point of habitual trauma and into established, conscious love. Learn more and schedule a consultation at www.sarahpoet.com/consciousrelating.

How Is Trauma-Informed Couples Coaching Different Than Couples Therapy?

Trauma blocks a relationship from true connection. Trauma-informed couples coaching gets below the story to heal the pattern and allow for true intimacy.

While I can’t answer this question broadly or speak for everyone, I can speak to some ways that my couples coaching, which is trauma-informed, is different than couples therapy that I’ve experienced and as I’ve researched. Of course, those who wish to will find exceptions to what I’m saying. Those who wish to look for solutions will read this information as innovation and ask questions.

It is important to understand that talking about problems, as in conventional therapy, doesn’t necessarily heal problems. People go to therapy to heal problems, but talk alone won’t do that.

With every relationship problem, there is an underlying trauma. This traumatic event could be conscious or unconscious, it could have to do with the previous partner or parent and therefore not get talked about in couples therapy between two partners. And what we know about trauma is that it is very frequently trapped in the body memory but not in the cognitive memory. Therefore, couples can have and express behaviors that are rooted in traumatic memory, but couples therapy that only involves mental processes might not ever reach the true issue and will certainly be less likely to heal the actual trauma.

Often in troubled relationships, couples wait until there is a serious problem before engaging with a therapist. By this time, the couple has often erected a wall between their connection, and while talking through a problem or developing communication skills might help to increase understanding, will not fix a true pattern of disruption, because you need to heal the disruption in the brain in order to connect.

Patterns in the relationship that are dysfunctional result in breaches in connection. What every individual wants, unless they are sociopathic, is connection. Even neurodiverse individuals want connection, despite common social myths.

Connection can not be healed unless we heal the trauma in the brain. As Dr. Stephen Porges, author of the Polyvagal Theory says, “Trauma compromises our ability to engage with others by replacing patterns of connection with patterns of protection.”

In trauma-informed couples coaching, I guide couples to involve aspects of trauma healing modalities in how I coach their connection. Rather than attempting to pick apart with conversation what happened in the past and who may be at fault, we look at the present moment, using mindful attunement and noticing, and I teach couples to develop practices that heal breeches in connection.

The walls naturally begin to crumble. The blame unnecessary. Couples orient toward solution-finding.

Did you ever hear couples say that one or the other of them “won” therapy? It is common, I found in my research, that couples often feel that there is more blame and sidedness after therapy sessions than there is connection.

Many couples who go to therapy looking for true healing do not understand the role of relational trauma, epigenetic trauma (trauma passed through the DNA), and how trauma is actually creating their disconnection. Many couples would also prefer to work in a present moment / forward facing modality rather than a conversational modality that focuses on the past.

Couples Coaching removes the sigma that “something is wrong” with the relationship by inviting both partners into a growth-focused program, where both partners are learning the same skills, both partners are evolving in compassion and understanding, and both are getting their needs met.

Statistically, about 40% of couples who go to traditional therapy end up divorcing within four years. The results of my coaching are most often greater connection, greater empathy and understanding (despite we talk less about understanding the past), greater intimacy and bonding, and a rekindled enthusiasm for the direction of their union. As one recent couple said, “Honestly, before this, we were going down the road of divorce. Our communication didn’t exist and we fought daily. Now, we are mindful of one another. We have a whole new way to communicate and connect with one another.” This couple is planning to spend the rest of their lives together.

I will not tell you that Couples Coaching is better for you than therapy – that is for you to decide. I am saying that there is a conscious, progressive, effective alternative out there that is growth-based and available to you. I am seeing this methodology heal relationships, and I want that for you if you are in a relationship that needs a serious boost. In twelve weeks, you can change the trajectory of your relationship.

Visit www.sarahpoet.com/consciousrelating for more information.